May is brain
cancer awareness month. I allowed May, 2015 to come and go without posting
anything brain cancer related on social media, without wearing gray
clothing, essentially, without overtly
raising awareness. I did, however, place
on my wrist, the two brain cancer wristbands which have been hiding in my
drawer. I decided it’s time for me to raise my own awareness inside myself.
More than
once in the past two years, I have accused family members and friends of being
in denial of the disease which has afflicted my son and which has collaterally affected
my entire family. I have rationalized that a certain amount of denial is
necessary to prepare oneself for the fight which brain cancer requires. I have
justified actions of myself and others by believing that acceptance of this
disease and its potential progression is far too difficult to take in all at
one time. I have told myself over and
over that these feelings will pass and emotionally we will heal.
For the
first few months after Kevin was diagnosed, I found myself on auto-pilot. Going
where doctors instructed us to go, making certain Kevin got his medication, got
to his treatment on time, watching for signs of seizure activity, preparing
meals in a timely manner to coincide with his chemo, managing his appointments,
taking notes and asking questions of the doctors so Kevin could concentrate on
the one and only task he needs to concentrate on-feeling better, staying
strong, being as healthy as possible and living life to its fullest.
There is a
fine distinction between living in denial and simply not allowing a cancer
diagnosis to define you. I have always considered myself a realist. I have
learned there is a fine distinction between realistically understanding
something on an intellectual level and actually accepting it as something one
must truly acknowledge as a certainty. Two years ago, my biggest concerns were the
awful Denver traffic, what to make for dinner, making the wrong decision about
the highlights in my hair. Is it
possible to age twenty years in the span of only two? Stress is a peculiar
phenomenon. It creeps up on us and surprises us with its veracity. It attacks
when we least expect and in ways we didn’t know were possible. Some lessons are
learned the hard way.
May,
2015-Brain Cancer Awareness Month. I took this time to reflect on what it means
to have a family member with this diagnosis. What it means to everyone
involved, because the big C worms its way into the lives of everyone who loves
the patient who’s been diagnosed, and everyone who loves those people as well. I look down at my arm, wearing the grey and
black wristbands, and allow the awareness to sink in. I look at the calendar because I am now aware
the first Sunday in June is National Cancer Survivor Day. It’s a day of
celebration for survivors and inspiration to numerous others. I think of the
many people I have connected with in this small but relevant brain cancer
community-people of all ages, people from all over the U.S. and other
countries. I forgive myself for allowing the denial to settle in me, all the
while consciously believing I had reached an acceptance. I had not and I have
not. But I understand that now. On June 7, the first Sunday in June, I chose to
celebrate life. I made a promise to myself. I will take my own physical and
mental health seriously. I will make it a priority. I will seek the spiritual
knowledge which will allow me to live in today. I will continue to hope and
pray for a cure.
